This is a post I wrote in June 2013 but then didn’t publish, as I thought it was a bit too personal. But what the heck, as the boyfriend also gave permission for me to talk about him, and it explains why I had disappeared for the first half of last year.
Well its just as well I didn’t make a new years resolution to blog every week as I would have failed miserably. And miserable is the right word as even my “jar full of joy” is pretty much empty. I’ve spent the first half of the year in various degrees of torment, so I haven’t been crafting since the end of 2012. Every time I try to make crafts my mind goes completely blank, I can’t think straight and my hands shake so much, I can’t cut the tin properly, so I’d give up. And with the blog its hard enough thinking of what to write at the best of times.
The reason for this is the fallout from spending so much time and energy over the last few years dealing with the ups and downs of my boyfriends depression, and when it came back last Dec with a vengeance, I was so stressed I ended up making myself ill. After having been through the heartbreak of splitting up twice already in the previous 2 years and getting back together again I believed things would change, and we would be able to deal with it together, but he started withdrawing from me again and the Dec and Jan were just horrendous. I was so worried about his state of mind but, but felt so utterly, utterly useless as I couldn’t seem to help, nothing I would say would make a difference.
He kept pushing me away, cancelling our plans at the last-minute, and blaming me for the way he felt. I was constantly trying to appease him, all the while feeling totally dejected and I turned into a nervous wreck, not able to function properly, and I was so scared of losing him, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat properly, and struggled to get through each day. I felt like I’d done 4 rounds in a wrestling ring; every single muscle of my body ached constantly and I couldn’t stop crying.
He never noticed the effect it was having on me, I put on a brave face on when I did see him as I didn’t want him to feel worse, but he never, ever asked how I was or how was I coping, he was just so caught up in his own depressive world.
I started to go to therapy to help me cope and get some support myself, but unfortunately he ended our relationship again in Feb, and I then I went through a period where absolutely nothing seemed to make sense anymore. I’d been so caught up with him and his feelings and emotions, I’d not paid attention to any of mine. I’d forgotten who I was, the constant to-ing and fro-ing had deleted all of my self-confidence and self-esteem.
I knew then what he meant when he said he no longer wanted to exist; that’s how I felt every morning when I got up. I wanted to hide away from the world, I wanted to ground to open up and swallow me so I could just disappear, or to just not wake up in the morning so I wouldn’t have to face another day. I’d been feeling lost, completely and utterly lost. It was like I didn’t know who I was anymore, or what I wanted to do or even what I was actually capable of.
Although this time he said the split is for good, I told him I would wait for him to get better, as I always have done, and although he kept it quiet I knew he had started dating and that broke my heart even more.
I tried to get back into making stuff but was failing miserably. I wanted to set fire to my craft room, in fact set fire to the whole house. I had let down a customers too by not being able to complete an order, and the guilt from that added to my stress, so any time I tried to make something, I would break out in a cold sweat, and seemed to lose the ability to control my work tools.
I did book onto a weekend mosaic course in March as I loved to do mosaics years ago, thinking it would inspire me and break the pattern, and the course was great, but again, my fingers didn’t seem to work properly and were shaking so badly whilst trying to place the mosaics in the cement. Even though, I was proud of what I accomplished in the two days. It didn’t help with the crafting though.
In the need to do something, I upped my walking and climbing instead; I went walking at lunchtime through the woods to visit the local sheep.
I walked up Arthur’s Seat in the evenings, and out on the local hills at the weekends, then there was climbing indoors at the local wall and winter climbing on snow and ice.
I even braved up for a caving trip underground in Yorkshire.
I headed out to the local crags and down to Wales for some scrambling fun and even more climbing.
As you’ve probably figured out, I love climbing. It’s like my own personal therapy. When I climb I don’t have to think about anything else, just concentrate on the movements, and on the next handhold and foot placement, where I can rest, how to keep my balance, how to make the next move.
Then starting to feel the burn in my pumped forearms and the pain in my fingers as they start to peel off a tiny hold, the fear of falling rushing through me, the panic and the trembling, then overcoming that fear and moving on again, the feeling of relief when I reach the top; it all just makes me feel so much better, so much alive, which is a whole lot better than feeling dead.
Then I went up climbing to Skye at the start of June, followed by a camping trip on my own in North West Scotland, and I started feeling a whole lot better.
It was liberating to fend for myself and travel from place to place, walking and exploring on my own, meeting new people on the hills and in the pubs, and just generally being among my most favorite scenery in Scotland.
I actually started to feel human again, remembering who I was and what I loved. I started to feel happy again 🙂
And like I knew we would, Jason and I have started getting closer again. When I went to see him at the start of June, he told me he was finding it hard moving on, and we’ve been chatting by text almost every day, and making some plans to go climbing together. He’s signed up for therapy himself to deal with his depression, so that’s a step forward in the right direction. Whatever happens there though, I feel like I’m in a lot better place to deal with him now, and hope we can salvage our friendship.